Evidently there are three types of common definitions for the word mole. There are body moles. Then there is the mole commonly used by chemist, short for molecule. However for the purposes of this article we are talking about neither. The mole we are addressing here is an ugly little annoying creature that can destroy a great lawn in a matter of weeks.
So for you animal lovers and more specifically you mole lovers, for what I am about to say, please accept my deepest and sincere apology.
Having gotten that out of the way, let me give you my mole story. Many years ago I was living in Orlando, Florida in a pretty upscale neighborhood where everyone had great pride in their lawns; however, very few people took care of the lawns themselves.
Instead they generally hired someone else to do that for them, to the tune of about $150.00 per month in those days. I was no exception. Coming from the northeast I had very little experience and even less success keeping a manicured lawn. So in Florida, I thought it would be best left up to the professionals.
Well the move into the new home went very smooth given my company was footing the bill for a very generous relocation package. Boy I miss those days! With the nice transition, came time for me to learn about pools and the many fun aspects of living in Orlando. Hmm! That sounds like another article. Well, back to the moles. It did not take long for me to realize there was something about my lawn I felt $150.00 per month should be taking care of.
There were a bunch of dirt mounds that blanketed my landscape. (They resembled a sort of bumpy face or a bunch of ugly facial moles if you get my drift.) Something was making a meal of my Saint Augustine, which I was told was a very robust strain of grass and to say the least a tad expensive to replace. Which I was a little surprise to hear because up North we called something that looked like this same strain crab grass.
Suffice it to say, my landscape guy told me the problem was the result of moles. He also assured me not to worry. Mole infestation was not an unusual occurrence and there were plenty of chemicals, (You know the other type of mole.) out there to get rid of them. Of course these chemical treatments were extra and if applied quarterly, a couple times, well there you have it, no more, pesky moles.
Needless to say after two treatments, “x” dollars per mole later and a patch here and there of replacing Saint Augustine, well the mole infestation could not have been more vibrant. At this point I decided it was time to get another landscape guy. Moles:one, landscapers:zero, in fact this went on for at least a year and two landscaping guys later.
Then one day while I was out picking up the mail this elderly gentleman was walking by. Naturally it being Florida, we struck up a conversation. “See you have moles.” He said. “Yeah, can’t seem to get rid of them”, I said. “Pesky little critters”, he said. “What have you been using to get rid of them?”
“Well, the first landscape guy was using something called “The Mole Chemical Fence”. “Hmm”! He said. Then I volunteered some other chemicals. The names fail me now because of course if they worked I would have remembered. Then my neighbor said, “I know how you can get rid of them overnight.” “Hmm”! I said. “How much is that going to cost me?” “May be $10.00 perhaps $15.00 tops”, he said.
“You’re kidding right?” “Nope”, he said. “Go down to the local CVS and pickup a couple of packs of Ex-Lax.” “The laxative”, I said!
Well the conversation was not like that verbatim but you get my drift. He told me to make sure it was the chocolate kind because the moles are attracted to the sweet smell. He told me those creatures will just about eat anything.
He said to shove that Ex-Lax, a bunch of it in a few of the mounds and don’t be stingy. He said they’re going to eat that stuff. They will eat as much as you give them. Those critters are about 9 inches long max and one little square of Ex-Lax is enough to get a full grown man going, if you know what I mean? By the morning, he said, they are going to be “going”. So much so, in no time they will be so dehydrated it will be the death of them.
Well I did what this gentleman suggested. In fact three packs of Ex-Lax were less than ten dollars. I gave them the whole $10.00 worth. Needless to say they dug their own graves, instant fertilizer in more ways than one. Well the word must have gotten around because I never had mole problems again.
Interesting enough when I moved to a fairly upscale neighborhood in Portland, Oregon some years later was able to share these words of wisdom with a gentleman who had been having mole problem. He was using some obscure ecological technique to no avail to get rid of them. I waited a couple of years watching him fight the good fight. Figuring, let’s see if his approach works, by the time I gave him the cure he was more than ready. As I saw that humorous smile on his face and that killer look in his eyes it reminded me of myself those many years ago back in Orlando.